00:00
00:00
PastryDog
I post sketches on cohost so if you wanna see stuff follow me there tbh.

Age 24, Female

Professionally Sad

Cloud 9

:3c

Joined on 9/9/19

Level:
6
Exp Points:
299 / 400
Exp Rank:
> 100,000
Vote Power:
4.58 votes
Rank:
Civilian
Global Rank:
> 100,000
Blams:
0
Saves:
0
B/P Bonus:
0%
Whistle:
Normal
Medals:
6
Supporter:
1m

PastryDog's News

Posted by PastryDog - February 28th, 2023


life has been kind of going to shit. my brother's gone insane and i dont recognize him anymore. I think he has schizophrenia. I havent visited my mom in a long time, i dont know why. fear, maybe? i dont know. ever since i smoked weed with her n i fucking ended up fainting out of nowhere in the middle of the street, i've been incredibly embarrassed to show my face around her. Clearly all i do is embarrass myself.. anyway i havent seen her in a while. I moved to a new camp, dorm mates speak mostly arabic. they dont speak to me at all, the only one that speaks to me is the colombian girl and the african lady on the ground floor, but that's it. the arab ladies do not seem to interact with me at all unless it's to tell me i'm doing something wrong or that the smell of my cooking bothers them and that i should open a window. quite riveting.. weirdly enough it's been a consistent thing with them. I guess if i'm not muslim or dont speak arabic perhaps it can be difficult for them to interact or relate to me at all. I bond with the african lady downstairs about some of the stuff they do that irritates us since they love to own the entire place. I have to fight for my extra small space in the fridge. at this point i just order takeout so I don't have to cook, because it's genuinely upsetting just how packed they fill those fridges and how they never leave any space for me to put my things in, not to mention how they have a massive family dinner at all times and how it is genuinely uncomfortable being in the kitchen while the entire table is packed with them. I'm aware it's a cultural thing, but i'd really like a moment of peace when cooking at least once. it's been.. rough. I have no ill will towards them, they are fine people. I just think the way we grew up just clashes hard. They seem to be very family oriented, while I honestly value alone time and people not being around me much, especially strangers i don't know.

Anyway. the motivation to draw has been astronomically low. I can't seem to manage finishing a single commission. pending commissions mind you. these people have been waiting ages and I honestly feel so incredibly guilty. at this point i should just offer a refund. Ive been depressed with a lot of shit happening, including shit with my asylum procedure as well as shit going on with my passport. turns out shit is difficult when ur from venezuela. I honestly dont even know what the hell i'm going to be doing. Plus have been having people from the camp remind me of my impending doom, which is me having 3 negatives already and since im still waiting for the final response, they're basically pressuring an answer on what i'm going to be doing. well certainly not going back to Venezuela, that's for sure. I'd honestly rather die tbh (this is an exaggeration... but id rather anything else), unfortunately this is all they seem to be pushing. they had all latinos come together for a meeting only to tell us all that we are in the bottom of the barrel when it comes to politics and that the only option is to go back to our country despite we all having legitimate reasons on why we cannot go back (safety reasons mostly). these dutchies seem to believe that latin america is some strange paradise where horrible violence doesnt happen because it's not at war like some other countries. just because it's not at was it doesnt mean there's shootouts and horrible gang violence happening literally every single day. Your life can snuff out at any second. I'd rather be a homeless woman in any other country than go back there tbh. I'm not even from margarita or the safest area in venezuela. I happen to come from the most dangerous state from a town known for thugs. Might as well jump off a bridge tbh.

I am losing all hope and I'm desperately trying to stay afloat, though i feel like i might drown at any moment. the only thing keeping me alive is my boyfriend and my best friend, who makes me forget that the real world exists and keeps my mind focused on silly game streams and great jokes that make me laugh outloud. for a moment i can feel like my life is not falling apart all around me and I get to feel normal. I get to have some humanity, which can be hard when your asylum process constantly makes you feel like an alien, or a parasite. a potential criminal that can be removed by force at any moment. I hate it here so, so much. when my boyfriend comes over to visit it feels like genuine fantasy. the illusion of a normal life, where i get up in the morning to make breakfast for my boyfriend and fuck till kingdom come. Getting excited about being able to use the washing machine or the kitchen without having to worry about someone you barely know bother you, not having to constantly fight for my small corner in the fridge and have the ability to just buy groceries like normal and have the ability to cook at all times. Be a normal human being. it all feels so great until he has to leave and i come back to reality. a needle bursting my bubble and having to deal with all of the bullshit all over again, only it hits a lot harder every time he leaves. I would be dead by now if it weren't for these dudes tbh, though i don't know how much of this i can keep taking on. I just hope i can make it out alive. maybe if i distract myself enough I'll be able to make it through. it's how i've been dealing anyway. I just hope this year brings something, because it really feels as if im wasting years doing absolutely nothing in this god forsaken camp.

Dont believe in god but, please. if you do exist, throw me a fucking bone, man. I've suffered enough, any more of this and you'll jus break me in half, unless that's what you want. Give me a semblance of stability. Some form of success. A smidge of achievement, even a crumb would be appreciated. Give me something good, anything


Tags:

4

Posted by PastryDog - November 27th, 2020


Things have turned weird a bit haha..


So I'm now in the Netherlands seeking asylum. I reached to the Netherlands like 3 weeks ago, spend like 1 day with family and the next day I was placed into the asylum procedure, with a lot of people who's countries are constantly in a crisis. Due to me being from Venezuela, I was able to also seek for asylum, however I still wont know if my case has been accepted for a good while. I hope it is, cause my family is literally here in the Netherlands, and my dad is in spain. Majority of my family is out of Venezuela due to the situation over there, so yeah, I really hope they accept my case. The thing that might screw me over is me staying for over 10 years in St.Maarten, but like... I couldn't even get papers there cause they screwed me over with the god damn insurance policy. so honestly wtf could I have done?` I really, really hope this doesn't turn out to be a bad thing in the eyes of immigration.


I've traveled around for a bit here in the Netherlands due to the asylum thing, first being in this tent place they put you to sleep for one night, where they give you this flimsy blanket, and my god was that shit cold af jesus christ, and then they place you in a place in Budel where you're sharing a room with like five people. Thankfully Most of my roommates where really nice, they where angels. They gave us food there in a place and there where other places where you could read books, do sports etc etc. I stayed there for like... a week and a few days, and now I'm currently in Zutphen where I'm sharing a room with a really nice Cuban girl named Rachel. She's super nice, and honestly I feel lucky I was placed with her. In here though you don't get food, you gotta buy it yourself with the money they place in your account every week. and that money is like... 40 euros, which honestly is nothing... but you can buy groceries though, and since food here is super cheap, i guess it's not that bad. I share the kitchen, washing machine and the bathroom with like 6 other people, and sometimes it can be a little uncomfortable but it is what it is tbh. It's not that bad. Just gotta find the time where people are not using the kitchen, bathroom, etc.


So far though, I've been feeling great. I finally feel like I can live my own life, even if it's under these circumstances. I was given the option to stay with my mother but... I honestly feel so much better on my own to be honest. I love my mother, and I love her company, but sometimes it's too much for me, especially now that I'm a bit grown. I'm no longer a little girl, even if she sees me as one. I want to be taken seriously. I wanna make my own decisions, I want to live my own life without her having to say anything about it. So honestly? These days I've been the happiest I've ever been. My roommate is awesome, I can go out (even though money is limited), soon I'll have my own train card and everything, like... I'm good right now, and things in the future will (hopefully) get even better, with me having a job, or being in school and whatnot. So honestly, looking forward to the future. Talking about the future, I'm excited for next summer! my boyfriend is coming to visit, and my god am I super duper excited because of that. I havent seen him in ages, and well. We do talk every single day but... I want to see him in person. Get to see him, touch him, feel him. I'm incredibly excited to see him. I miss him a lot.


Today I finally got an adapter for my laptop, since the plug my laptop charger has is an american plug, and for some reason it was extremely difficult to find an adapter anywhere. Today I went in to the Centrum here in Zutphen, and asked around for an electronic store until I finally found one, and my god, felt so blessed to finally find a damn adapter to FINALLY use my computer. It's been weeks, so god bless. I was also able to buy new boots, pants and a jacket thanks to black friday today, so super happy with all of my purchases today. I'm not buying anything else for a while! I'm good rn. like.... really good. rn im just chilling, so im probs gonna eat left overs later lol.


Hopefully things in my asylum procedure move quickly. For now though, I'm just hoping for the best and to have a wonderful time. Until next time!

-Dog <3


Tags:

1

Posted by PastryDog - October 11th, 2020


So, first things first, thing have gotten a bit better with my current situation. I guess me and my teacher's family have come to a silent agreement where we can both be content in what we are doing. A good thing that happened: I got my graphic design job back! so happy about that. I asked my boss if i could work, even for free tbh, because no other job here in the island was taking me, and I honestly did not wanted to stay in my teacher's house doing nothing, so I got hired back again. I still get paid, but very little. I don't mind, since I know the business has been having a hard time due to the virus, and also the overwhelming competition. I'm just glad I'm able to get out of this house and do something for once, instead of letting the days pass.


Having a job gives purpose to my life, as cheesy as that sounds. I can look forward to the weekends, and I can do things and enjoy them fully, since I know I'll be going back to work. It's really strange, but it has been a welcomed change.

I've also realized something else: doing freelance locally drains my spirit. Maybe I'm not good at placing rules for myself (because im too nice) and let some things pass, but I've realized that people really will take advantage of you if you let them. I've realized why rules are important and why so many businesses have them in the first place. Terms of service allows for them to have their sanity and keep their clients in check. I'm on the process of making a terms of service for myself whenever I will decide to go back to doing freelance, mainly for my sanity. For some reason local clients are my worst nightmare. The clients I get online have been nothing but wonderful, but for some reason... whenever I decide to go local it's just a horrible experience every single time. something to think about i guess.


I've also been wondering... What is my passion? honestly, I have no idea. People keep asking me: what is your passion? what's your plan? what do you want to do in the future? and I just blank out at all of those questions. I like art, and design, but am I really passionate about them? Do I really want to to this for the rest of my life? what IS my plan? I really don't know. I enjoy drawing, but I can get easily burned out with it. I enjoy graphic design, but working with graphic design clients kills my spirit. My dream was to go to college and study graphic design and illustration, but now I'm reconsidering if this is what I really want to study given what i've experienced. I love working as a graphic designer in a company. But when it comes to freelancing, it sucks, everytime. I guess I just have to think about this things more thoroughly, and be honest to myself. Is this what I really want?


2020 has been a strange year.. and honestly? I cant wait for it to be over hahahaha. I'm hoping to be able to travel to the Netherlands this year in order to finally get out of my teacher's house and finally have a change to study over there, but things have been extremely complicated. I just hope things turn alright.


I guess this is it for now.


Tags:

1

Posted by PastryDog - July 29th, 2020


so yay another blog,

it hasnt been good recently. The Husband of my teacher, whom im staying with really wants me out of his house. Apparently no matter what I do I just seem selfish to him, so yeah that's cool i guess. Seems like no matter what I do or try I'm always selfish, so go figure. I just wanna get out of this house. I cant stand being here. I don't even feel comfortable eating here anymore. Taking food or eating in front of him feels like an offence. Doesn't help that every time he sees me he dips immediately. Am I that unlikable? idk man.

Haven't been eating well either. I'm barely eating anything, if at all. I dont come upstairs for food, so usually I just dont eat any breakfast or lunch. sometimes i don't even eat dinner at all. Maybe i'll have a tea late at night when nobody is upstairs. It sucks. I want to be able to come to the kitchen, and make breakfast for myself without any worry at all. I miss making pancakes from scratch..

The ideal thing would be for me to have an apartment for myself, but I know that is a high fantasy. I don't even have a job, and the money I make from art is pitiful. Lost my graphic design job, they havent called me back at all, so im guessing they dont miss me in the slightest lol. It doesnt help that I also dont have valid working papers in this country, and talking about country, I also have to travel back to my family, who is in Holland. The issue here though, is that they don't want me to come straight through the dutch airport, they want me to come through france so like that they don't have me in the system. Covid is not helping at all, since these countries now have strict regulations, making everything extra complicated. Isn't it great being an immigrant huh.

I just wanna live a normal, uncomplicated life where I can have a normal job and just be able to do what I like to do.. Like, is that so hard to ask? It just seems like I never can catch a break. It's complication after complication after problems. Like, idk man, I'm getting real tired of this whole friggin thing. I just wanna go to college.. oh wait, college is expensive? and me and my family are poor? man that sucks.

I just hope things can get better, even just a tiny bit. It's likely that leaving on good terms with the family im living with isn't really gonna go as planned, but at least I hope i just... get to leave, and go back with my mother without being deported back to my country. I just want to be able to live a normal life for once.


Tags:

Posted by PastryDog - June 25th, 2020


So me and the ppl who i'm staying with have reached a compromise! we are on good terms. I am... super relieved. like extremely relieved lol.

I am now planning on moving by mid july. It's exciting but scary too... but it's gonna be ok.

Next goal: Gain some friggin weight !!! I am .. extremely underweight rn, and i honestly my relationship with food has not been super great at all. I'll try revising my diet again but like jesus.. it's hard man.

Been also feeling super duper tired recently.

I just hope once I move out things can get some type of normal again.

Something i've been really looking forward is S4 Xero!!! I am so excited for this, you have absolutely no idea. If the tutorial is fixed, and it resembles a new n improved version of alaplaya, i'll be having all of my friggin friends on it lmao. I really want it to succeed tbh. Like, seriously want it to succeed. I have been thinking of applying as a concept art 2d artist, but I'm not sure if my art would be good for them. I mean I am extremely experimental so yeah.. They're probably looking for like, anime art style artist, and well, I'm kind of not lol. Mainly the reason why I'm hesitating so much in applying for that position. Even if I end up not applying, I'll be enjoying the game to the fullest. I am so excited for it for so long, and to think it's coming out so soon!! HYPE! :D

Looking forward to the future at least.


Tags:

Posted by PastryDog - June 19th, 2020


So it's been a while since I've made any kind of blog, but anyway.

Things have been crazy these past few months. The people I'm living with atm literally want me out by July 30th, and right now I literally have no money to afford an apartment. Since Covid, all appartments have been super duper expensive. All of the jobs here have also vanished since there's 0 tourism to keep the island up, so yeah everything right now sucks big time. The people I was working with literally had to lay me off because of Covid, and I don't think they'll be hiring me back anytime soon since jobs are super scarce. Have been trying desperately to find a new job but everything requires 5 years experience that i don't have on smt, or a bachelors degree on smt else. I can't cook either, so cooking jobs are off the table. so yeah have been extremely frustrated with everything.


Currently my plan is to just go to the Netherlands, since my mother is there, but right now there's a travel ban put in place so I can't go anywhere. The travel ban lifts up until July 1st, but the thing is, they might extend that. My current problem is that I need to get out by July 30th... and well, I literally don't know where the fuck I'll be going or staying. I'll be trying to talk to the people i'm staying with about this but I mean.. at this point I honestly feel like I'm just fucked lol.


I just hope things start to get better somehow. Like right now everything is a fucking mess but, I mean, I can still hope I guess.


Tags:

Posted by PastryDog - November 23rd, 2019


Been feeling super bad recently to the point where I'm not even drawing, or doing anything really. Hopefully this passes and old artistic me comes around with some sort of motivation, cause at the moment, I feel like I've got none of that.


Besides that though, I've been interested in trying to learn new stuff, like.. animating sprites for example. I wanna at least learn the basics so like that I can have something for the project I've been dreaming to make (a game woohoo) but honestly I'm so not experienced in any of these areas so it's a little scary. I want to be able to make content and interactions, and build an entire story, but the amount of stuff I have to learn just seems so overwhelming..


This means a lot to me (and apparently my boyfriend also likes it a lot!) but honestly just seeing the characters now makes me feel overwhelmed, to the point where I can't even draw them anymore. I'm just hoping somewhere in my timeline I actually get to fulfill this little dream of mine.


Tags:

Posted by PastryDog - September 11th, 2019


No art posts today, but! I'm very happy so far being here. I feel so comfy.. I like it here tbh.

Despite being scared for ages of joining here, turns out it's pretty nice! I really enjoy browsing through this website. I mean I've been sorta lurking here since i was like 13 and was super obsessed with madness day so i guess it makes sense I'm happy to be here.

All in all, It's sorta exciting :3


Tags:

Posted by PastryDog - September 10th, 2019


So i think I threw myself under the bus

I hope people don't mind crack ships..

*hides in a corner*


Tags:

Posted by PastryDog - September 10th, 2019


So I know this is early but I'm feeling good about this. I wanna post my nsfw but I'm sweating bullets over here lmao. Tho i might just post it n run away sahjdjfhjf

I doubt ppl read this at all but I'm liking just.. making these things for myself. It makes me nervous that someone would sorta come n read my brain farts but well.. I guess it's ur fault ur reading them! this is me. love me ;v;


Tags: